I'm outside the office of my therapist yesterday waiting for her to open the door (the building is locked because it's after hours) when something occurs to me: maybe the reason I expect people, particularly adults, to listen to and help me in a supportive way is because I've been seeing a counselor since I was 13 and that's the role they usually play (teachers, etc.). It makes sense. If your parents and other adults are trying to help you because you have problems that need fixing then why wouldn't the subconscious believe that that's what the role of others is? The only problem is I wasn't aware of it and now adults are my peers and I found out the hard way as people have distanced themselves and severed relationships because I've drawn on them for advice and fixing to the point they felt used.
It's amazing how you can be anxiously engaged in self-improvement and busy with a lot of activities and still be complacent without really knowing it. Here I thought I was taking care of myself better than I have for years because I was no longer using psychotherapist and social workers as paid friends, when, unbeknownst to either party, something subtle was playing out that was undermining good intentions. This is not to say I was doing things wrong or that I haven't made progress with the aid of others and shouldn't ask others for help. The problem is that I was vacillating between being independent and dependent and no one was the wiser (or if they were, they didn't say anything).
Unfortunately, it's too late to repair some of the damage I've unintentionally caused. Fortunately, I can move forward with my new awareness and BE a better person because of it.
Be well. Love life. Praise God.
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